Monday, 24 January 2011

On Loss

Today I am feeling tearful. It’s the girls’ school trip. I am having fantasies of bus accidents and tears, thoughts I ought not to entertain too much. I am feeling tearful. It’s loss. It’s in the air. What if my life is shattered into a million pieces? What if they don’t come home anymore? What if I lose my loved ones - love? I am eating lots of cake for comfort. The tears are floating and gathering behind my eyes, into a swirling pond; the outlet to a little river not yet found. I want to release the pressure but something is holding back. Then ideas and judgements of other people, who don't understand the tidings of the bond, don't understand the need to make the right decision, when it feels right, not when they say or it is said to be right. The little one is drinking his bottle but searching for the comfort of the breast. His lips pursed and sucking in the air, searching for the nipple. There it is, there. Just a little bit. You ought not to, you are spoiling him. Just a little bit. Just a little comfort. I feel the loss. It’s in the air. 

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