Tuesday, 15 May 2012

My Mother will die

There is no if my mother dies
Only when my mother dies

Yet in my mind
In my whole being
It is

If my mother shall die one day I shall be inconsolable 

Surely it can't be that some time she will not be there anymore? 
Surely she is always there and always will be? 

Her mortality is out of question

My relationship to my mother 
Is a relationship at long distance
The phone is central 

Often I catch myself feeling an urge to phone her 
What urge exactly 
I am not sure

It is an undefined-fuzzy-kind-of-state
A not-quite-satisfied or not-quite-right state
And somewhere, I am sure, deep down
I hope that mother will soothe me 
and smooth my state 
like smoothing over the crease on a cloth

I am an adult woman
A mother myself
There still is a little child inside 
Looking for Mama 

There have been times 
I have become somatically connected to her
Over hundreds of air-miles
Above the snowy mountain tops 
and across water 
I felt pain in various body parts 
I could not explain
Somehow they spoke of the pains
She was going through

I wonder; what will I feel when she dies? 
Will a warning sign arrive in my bodily landscape?
Will I be visited in dreams? 

I shall not know 

For now 
I am reassured 
I can call her and 
hear her voice