My Mother will die

There is no if my mother dies

Only when my mother dies

Yet in my mind

In my whole being

It is

If..... 

If my mother shall die one day I shall be inconsolable 

Surely it can't be that some time she will not be there anymore? 

Surely she is always there and always will be? 

Her mortality is out of question

My relationship to my mother 

Is a relationship at long distance

The phone is central 

Often I catch myself feeling an urge to phone her 

What urge exactly 

I am not sure

It is an undefined-fuzzy-kind-of-state

A not-quite-satisfied or not-quite-right state

And somewhere, I am sure, deep down

I hope that mother will soothe me 

and smooth my state 

like smoothing over the crease on a cloth

I am an adult woman

A mother myself

There still is a little child inside 

Looking for Mama 

There have been times 

I have become somatically connected to her

Over hundreds of air-miles

Above the snowy mountain tops 

and across water 

I felt pain in various body parts 

I could not explain

Somehow they spoke of the pains

She was going through

I wonder; what will I feel when she dies? 

Will a warning sign arrive in my bodily landscape?

Will I be visited in dreams? 

I shall not know 

For now 

I am reassured 

I can call her and 

hear her voice