There is no if my mother dies
Only when my mother dies
Yet in my mind
In my whole being
It is
If.....
If my mother shall die one day I shall be inconsolable
Surely it can't be that some time she will not be there anymore?
Surely she is always there and always will be?
Her mortality is out of question
My relationship to my mother
Is a relationship at long distance
The phone is central
Often I catch myself feeling an urge to phone her
What urge exactly
I am not sure
It is an undefined-fuzzy-kind-of-state
A not-quite-satisfied or not-quite-right state
And somewhere, I am sure, deep down
I hope that mother will soothe me
and smooth my state
like smoothing over the crease on a cloth
I am an adult woman
A mother myself
There still is a little child inside
Looking for Mama
There have been times
I have become somatically connected to her
Over hundreds of air-miles
Above the snowy mountain tops
and across water
I felt pain in various body parts
I could not explain
Somehow they spoke of the pains
She was going through
I wonder; what will I feel when she dies?
Will a warning sign arrive in my bodily landscape?
Will I be visited in dreams?
I shall not know
For now
I am reassured
I can call her and
hear her voice
