Sunday, 17 April 2011

Treading the path of change

I am going crazy. I am struggling with anger, fury, desperation, exhaustion, fear, and jittering anxiety. I am thinking, ten million times over, I can't do this anymore and my suffering increases.  With every negative thought and attachment I feel more anxious and gloomy. Endless sleepless nights have been turning me into a monster and my bed has become a place where I am tortured out of my slumber with only one thought in my head - sleep baby sleep, please baby sleep, I NEED SLEEP! Oh how this process beats down my ego, my resistance, my illusions, my desire to be on top of things, organized, in control and calm and breezy. But alas, the part in me that wants to hang onto the state of no change and be in control is surprisingly tenacious....This state of affairs, made worse my raging premenstrual hormones,  was the prime thing that worried me when I was pregnant, how will I cope this time round with this monstrous process of sleeplessness, of being required all round when I am overtired? And whenever I feel I am on the floor the twin girls seem to want even more of me. There is much to learn. The challenge, and I know, the only salvation is staying in the moment. I also know that I am in the tunnel at the moment, the light at the end is glimmering, but very faintly, and it's not only a process to be overcome and then next! but a true path of change. I know it. I am treading on this path and I will reach another plane of consciousness of motherhood, of mothering, of taking care and LOVE. Not just for my children, my partner, my fellow human beings but most importantly for myself. The true seed of the anger lies herein. The absence of mothering towards myself. The harsh judgment and the expectation for perfection. Let the gentle hand, the caress and the soothing words come my way too, brush away my bruises and appease the fury, the sadness, and the pain. For I am baby, I am child, I am daughter, as much as my children are. And unless I learn to be as gentle towards myself as I am most of the times, as humanly possible, towards my children, I will not be at peace. May the Gods help me. 

1 comment:

  1. Liebe Sara,
    ich verstehe zwar nicht so viel vom Muttersein, aber ich kann nachvollziehen, was Schlaflosigkeit bedeutet. So, ich denke sehr an Dich und hoffe, der kleine Racker lässt Dir Deinen Schlaf ganz schnell, liebste Grüße, almut